I work in a utopian workplace. A place where my colleagues are helpful, friendly, supportive and challenges are solved through open honest discussion. People are valued and appreciated, communication is proactive and honest. The CEO genuinely cares that everyone loves their job. 

That’s how all workplaces are, isn’t it? After all, we all know that that’s how you get the most from your team and really grow a business.

The constant stress and complaining of almost everyone in my life led me to think that most workplaces have another approach, one where the bosses are not so nice. In fact, they are bastards. So, on the off-chance that this ‘other’ management approach may have merit I have scoured the minds of their minions to understand how they work. From my research I have created a checklist those bastard bosses amongst you, so you can be the best bastard of them all.

The Top 25 Ways to be a Bastard Boss:

1. Keep all future plans for your team and the business to yourself. Tell them nothing.
2. Never praise, acknowledge, thank or recognise your team. In fact, take all of the glory
3. Think that salary is the only thing that matters to them; they should be thankful to work for you!
4. Get their pays wrong, pay late or don’t pay entitlements like superannuation.
5. Only employ them in ways that suit you, like casual or contract. Then change their hours at short notice.
6. Forget their names, their birthdays, their partners name and any other detail that is important to them.
7. Pay team members different amounts for the same work and experience.
8. If you promote someone and add responsibilities, keep their pay the same.
9. Don’t give any specific feedback about their work as you are going along, wait for a whole year.
10. Give inadequate equipment support and resources.
11. Offer no training, mentoring, coaching or support.
12. Overwork them.
13. Use fear to motivate them.
14. Play favourites with some team members and not others.
15. Say one thing and do another.
16. Act like a prima donna; make everything about you not them.
17. Force them to make their job priority over everything else in their life.
18. Give negative feedback in front of everyone else. If you can, yell it.
19. Never roll up your sleeves and to help out.
20. Change your mind all of the time.
21. Exclude them from all decisions.
22. Communicate poorly or (even better) not at all.
23. Think that they are all expendable, that you can replace any or all of them
24. In your mind, render their knowledge and value to your business as worthless.
25. Keep under-performing and culture-polluting team members in their jobs, especially without any form of performance management.